Depression is when everything is going great in your life but you can’t seem to enjoy it. I’m trying to be happy and have experienced so many great changes and things that I have wanted for so long depression is preventing me from feeling happiness. It’s like depression has formed a barrier that is suppressing the happiness and preventing it from rising to the surface to be enjoyed properly. It’s been slowly developing for a few months now and it’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure how much longer I can hang on. I am so tired of constantly fighting the battles that are waging in my head. My head is so noisy and I would give anything to silence it. For good. I feel as if the people around me just don’t understand. I want so bad for them to understand and hear me. Can’t they see my cry for help? Can’t they hear me screaming inside? This illness has taken over my entire being. It’s toxic. I once heard someone compare depression to tar running through your veins and I believe it. It’s become so bad this time that it physically hurts. My body is trying to reject this illness. If only my brain could. I didn’t use the word ‘mind’ because that’s not what depression (or any other mental illness) is. It’s not all in your head as some foolish and uneducated (on the topic) people seem to believe. It’s in the brain. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's an ILLNESS. It’s like cancer, incurable yet can go into remission with proper treatment. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. But if you look closely, you actually CAN see it. You can see the red puffy eyes from crying themselves to sleep. You can see the dark circles if sleep never came at all. You can see the cuts on their wrists (no matter how hard they try to hide it) when the internal pain becomes too much to bear and the infliction of physical pain was the only way to cope. You can see someone wither away because the pain gives them no desire to eat, or can watch them gain significant weight because they use food as comfort. Or if you look closer you can see the pain etched on their face in that fleeting moment they let their guard down and the facade slips. The problem is people don’t often pay attention and notice until it’s too late. “I never saw it coming” or “this is such a shock”, are often made by loved ones of those who have taken their own life. But the signs were there all along. People just failed to look hard enough. I’m not trying to put blame on anyone, I’m just asking those to pay attention to those cries for help. They may be subtle but they’re there. Sometimes those cries are a little louder and looking for attention and you know what? That’s true. What is wrong with a little attention? Everyone craves attention but sometimes others cravings are a little different. Maybe their subtle cries went unheard for far too long and led to their last resort. Taking their life and ending the pain.
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